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hi to those that for some reason read my journal... or to the no one that does. i don't care. i like to write.
it's been a short while again. i don't know why i don't update. i probably will more often now that i'm on mids. we'll see.
my last entry was uber depressing. i apologize. but it only expressed what i was feeling. and it helped a little to unleash it. tho i talk to daniel about it and talk to hol some, i dunno. sometimes nothing helps. i was trying.
i no longer feel that horrible. i go running daily, i eat healthy. on the weekends i spend it melting in daniels sweet, loving arms. i try to spend time w/ hol, situations accepting. at work i have fun w/ my co-workers.. especially since i got to catch up w/ natalie and patty. i haven't talked w/ them in forever, and there's always jerusha and bailey. the latter- he's a fun guy to talk to. my shift lacks that type. but i guess it's no longer my shift. onto a new one!
i feel better only because i'm trying to cope with that which i realize now that i can't prevent. it's hard, and i've had some bad nightmares. some were straight up terrible. others random. lol. i find myself wondering "wtf" like... my bunnies became murderers in one dream. weird! it was so gory and bloody. i was disgusted w/ myself when i woke up. lol. but that was a week ago. i'm better now, and i haven't had any depressing thoughts lately. i've just been happy. i've been reading happy books and good, sweet warm stories. sounds lame i know, but that's what life is all about. love. and i like to surround myself with that. you would think it by talking w/ my sarcastic, rude outlook on everything.. but.. meh. there's many sides of me.
so i've had some thoughts recently. some i don't feel like sharing, others i do. oh well. i don't care enough to type anymore.
i was listening to aol radio to some category called loves songs or something lame, and i heard a song i actually liked. it made me happy. it just reminds me of how much i love my daniel all over again.. as if i need a reminder. ;) lol.
anyhow: (i only like the chorus)
"Addicted"
chorus:
"Maybe I'm addicted,
I'm out of control,
but you're the drug
that keeps me from dying.
Maybe I'm a liar,
but all I really know is
you're the only reason I'm trying.
When you're lying next to me
love is going through to me.
Oh it's beautiful.
Everything is clear to me"
**and it is. cuz i found my reason for living, for trying, for giving my all everyday even when i don't want to even get out of bed. i have my reason for it all: to love and take care of my daniel. :) **How do i feel: serene What do i hear: oakenfold: paul van dyk - rendezvous (quadraphonic mix) |
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so i'm having issues.
clearly.. i haven't updated in forever! ok, that's not the issue. my issue is beyond petty livejournal. no offense to those that have nothing better to do than stare at ppl's mindless thoughts. ha.
i think i need psychiatric help. i have no idea how to spell that, and am way too lazy to use dictionary.com. meh. but i do think i need help. i'm depressed as of late. not whilest working or with daniel, or when i'm hanging with hol... but... whenever i'm alone. this makes me want to seriously apologize to h-isson and give him a hug. i remember on one mids shift, suire asked around what ppl's fears were.. me and chris were struggling to come up w/ a good one... but harrison said "being alone" we laughed of course. but i know now what he meant. i don't know what's wrong with me. but i find it unbearable to be alone. but what can i do?! i mean... i'm not social. i have no friends. i turned against the two i had. *sigh* i'm socially destructive. it's pathetic. hol's always there but i feel inferior whining, and she's in the same boat as me w/ certain depression issues and would prolly put us both close to suicide if we talked together awhile. anyhow. i'm happy. i have everything. i have daniel. i have holly (finally!!) in the same state. i had zach as a good friend.. but i ruined that. i had keanne.... i ruined that (but it's her fault. i'm still bitter). i have bunnies!!! i have my dad! anyhow. my point: i suck. i'm socially inept. i'm like a lepor. however the fuck that's spelled.
anytime i'm alone (last nite-good example) suck. i get depressed. ALWAYS. i can't stand hearing anything said about the future. i can't stand anything said about the past. i can't tolerate thinking of aging, of death, of having children, of... .anything death related. it horrifies me. it's so utterly hard to comprehend and mindblowing to think of death's power. i'm totally not religous (sorry, babe). and don't play that 'heaven' and god bullshit with me. we're like computers. we shut down. we die. we're gone. nothing. kaput. that's all she wrote! i can't face that. i don't even know how to think of that. it's prolly not helping that i'm writing about this all alone at nite. but meh.. didn't want to go to sleep. daniel's gone, i have no one to distract me of my thoughts. too bad daniel will be gone until saturday. also too bad for me that he's prolly going to laredo all next week. i'm not so attached that i can't go on without him, or that i miss him terribly. i'd just prefer he be here. it's really true that when you're in the arms of the one you love, you have no fears. even my ridiculous fear of death is gone. all i can think of is him, and us and love. it's lame but true. too bad my daniel's not here to comfort me- and stop the stupidity of the rest of this entry.... lol.
i fucking ramble.
i can't put into words how i feel sometimes. how i let my thoughts go to the point where i can't think anymore .. or i go so far, that i see it (death) for what it is and get so close to it... that i get short of breath and either start to cry or just freak out.
how does the freaking out go, you ask?
ok. i can remember myself being in high school. being happy. being young, being healthy. keyword: young. naive. dumb. ignorant.
i don't know what happened .. but now i can't deal w/ that. i can't bare thinking of the past - how it felt like yesterday... and how, 5 years later.. i'm here.. how the time flies. LITERALLY. it doesn't while you're there, but when you look back. damn. it's scary. i think of saving money for the future... what's that do? make me realize and accept the truth that one day i will be old. OLD. wrinkles? gray hair? that's not my concern. my concern is my stepping closer and closer to that impending doom awaiting us all. i can't tolerate birthdays. why? i can remember the last one vividly. like it was literally the day previous. no one seems to understand. tho, i talked w/ jay one nite.. he totally agreed. we had a talk about retirement and we both stopped talking. i saw his look-he was thinking the same "time goes by too fast"
so i cry. it doesn't help. but that's the worst part. you can't do anything. all you can do is fear the inevitable. I HATE THAT. i really, deeply, sincerely do. it scares me. i've never had a problem i couldn't get out of. i've never not ended up ok and happy in the end. so how will all of this.. all of life end? i fret it all.
i can't imagine how i'll be at age 50. god, i bet alzheimer's is self-induced. i'd rather not remember my age, anything- than know what i know now, and think of what i'm thinking now.
back to the other thought... something pete said at work "when i watch my son playing, i can remember that being me. just like yesterday" that's why i don't want kids. it's selfish and stupid and it's depriving me of that joy.. but. wow. they put everything into focus in terms of your own mortality (something i think reed said) so very scary. maybe i'm just still young and stupid.
in a desperate, sad, meek voice... i ask myself: "what's wrong with me?"
so of course, this topic branches into other thoughts... but that's not all that's bothering me. what's bothering me is work. granted, i only work 8 hours a day, sometimes less... but.. why? so i can be away from daniel half of my waking hours? spend time away from the only thing that matters to me? to make money for stuff we don't even need: a car that takes me to that stupid job? pointless electronics and random things that make you think you're bettering your life, when you're only taking away from it? you'd rather play video games, and tap away at the computer when you have loved ones elsewhere you could be spending time with. it's ridiculous. i'm here now, cuz daniel's gone. i haven't updated in forever. but i'm not here to justify myself to anyone. i just feel the whole purpose to life is to be happy, and to spend all the time you can being with the ones you love. but our 21st century life doesn't allow that. the job i have keeps me from my family. my dad is aging and i can't see him but a few times a year. i miss him so much and *sigh... why does this make me cry? anyhow.. my point. i work a job to make money for... what? the shit that we don't need.. but society makes it this way. i do unfortunately have to pay for my house. *sigh* i just think life is unfair. all i want to do is see my family on a regular basis, to travel to all the beautiful places that i see on tv... to actually spend a full relaxed couple of days with daniel. i've been with him for over 2 and a half years, and it's felt so short, how will 10 feel? i guess all i'm saying is that work is a fucking interruption to life. to everything. tho.. without it, you couldn't do the things you want. life is a catch-22. i hate this world sometimes. i don't want to be childish... but it's unfair. unless you were born wealthy or become rich from some stupid 'talent' only then you can do what you want. that's just fucked. that was way rambly and confused... but i'm not editing.
*sigh* i'm such a case for someone to pry at.
so, when you see me spaced out.. don't ask what's on my mind. don't encourage it.
don't get me wrong. i laugh, i cry. i'm active. i eat. i watch movies. i have fun. i love. i enjoy life. i have fun at work. i enjoy my co-workers' company(mostly). i'm not always depressed. but.. i have this side of me that shows thru sometimes. and it's unstoppable.How do i feel: empty What do i hear: brit - stronger |
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so i made a folder on my desktop for daniel. lol... and in it, i have a notepad file. it says... songs to play at my funeral when i die: please remember me, by tim mcgraw. i think it's an awesome song. haven't come up with any others yet. give me time.
he freaked out and said that i WILL not die before him. but who knows these things?
i honestly don't think i care anymore.. which makes me think of an uber awesome song to play: wasted, by stabbing westward...
MUAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA... my funeral guests (is that the proper term?) will LOVE my funeral. it will be rockin'!!
oh, and of course, i have to add this:
Part Free Love Kisser |
Of all the kissing types, you've racked up the most experience
Kissing is no big deal to you - you'll kiss anyone you find hot!
It's easy for you to take the plunge and make the first move.
And you don't really consider kissing to be cheating! | Part Passionate Kisser |
For you, kissing is about all about following your urges
If someone's hot, you'll go in for the kiss - end of story
You can keep any relationship hot with your steamy kisses
A total spark plug - your kisses are bound to get you in trouble |
How do i feel: quite awake. ... odd... What do i hear: happy ~*~ stabbing westward |
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huh.
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Jun. 5th, 2005 @ 05:54 pm
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today was probably one of the hardest days of my life. i knew it would be difficult, yet i'm still surprised at the outcome.
anyhow.
we (daniel and i) arrived at san antonio a little over a year ago.. 2 of his "relatives" live here, patsy and jeff. actually, they're daniel's half brother's ex in-laws. but they're really sweet ppl. we've been to their place several times in the past year, and for every holiday we visited and often attended their church. in the past year she battled breast cancer, and somehow pulled thru to be in good health, or so we thought. well, we last visited at easter time, where we went to their church play and had dinner with them. we were supposed to visit again a week later, but daniel had to work. then, not too much longer after that, i switched to working midnites, and daniel's schedule threw him on sunday mornings. so, we somehow managed to never make it out there.
blah. daniel got an e-mail from his dad last saturday saying that he'd be flying here on the following friday and staying for 2-ish days. the reason for his visit was that he wanted to visit patsy before her passing. i was confused. so, i asked dennis (danie's pa) to explain about patsy. appaprently a few weeks ago she passed out and had a seizure and went to the hospital, where they ran several tests. the diagnosis: the breast cancer she had previously had wasn't caught soon enough, and it spread to the brain (and i'm still baffled as to how they didn't catch this before) and it had managed to spread into 3 large masses in her brain, and not causing any problems until recently. it would be impossible to take out the cancer thru operation, and if they did, she wouldn't be the same patsy. probably just a vegetable. and she was told that she had 3 months at most to live.
wow. thanks for telling us, patsy! i was devastated. not that i had been really close to them, but they were such wonder people, and she had already been thru so much. and we had become good friends.
so this morning me, daniel, dennis and katya went to their church to visit them.
everything was ok for the majority of it. i was practically raised that if there was an illness, to pretty much just ignore it or not talk about it. and i'm really weak and act awkwardly under these situations. i never know what to say or how to act aroundd ppl that are that ill. so i was seriously dreading today. but church went well, and then we went to patsy and jeff's for lunch/dinner and talked. i was talking w/ jeff in the kitchen and managed to overhear patsy talking to katya and dennis about her diagnosis and such. i tried to not listen. i find it all depressing and impossible to think of. the whole day i was there i kept thinking about her cancer, and patsy and how she must feel. i have a real bad habit of placing myself in other ppl's places and imagining being them. today sucked for that reason. and patsy seemed perfectly healthy and happy, considering. yet... she was obviously thinking about something else the whole day. how could you not be?
i guess what got me was when we had to leave (we were on a schedule so we could take katya and dennis to the airport, and for daniel to go to work). but dennis (being the pastor that he is) had a heartfelt talk involving us all about patsy's condition and such and how we all are there for her and ... yeah. i cried the whole time. it was so hard. he was talking about her passing, and what's to come of her getting sick and worse, and for jeff being strong enough to handle it. he talked in depth about the hard times coming up and that she would never be alone and have support and prayer from everyone. i just couldn't handle thinking of it. i can't imagine how that would be. what really bothered me the most was that daniel was close to crying. i've only seen him cry once, and that made me lose it. and dennis was cool through it all, tho i could see his eyes watering. patsy seemed ok, but i'm sure she's cried enough about everything so far. *sigh... poor jeff.
cancer is such a horrible, terrible thing. could you imagine surviving cancer once and being told you'd recovered, and that you would live a long healthy life... only to then be told a few months later, that you have terminal brain cancer and that you might have 3 months to live. and that the first month and a half will be the only coherent one? wow. just wow.
how am i supposed to believe in a god that does this to such wonderful ppl?
but now i'm pissed b/c i was supposed to come home and meet hol and go to the mall at 5:30. it's almost 6:30 and she's still not here. and now i'm alone left to think about everything that i don't want to think about.
we were always raised to at least leave a note.How do i feel: sad. What do i hear: nothing. |
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May. 21st, 2005 @ 04:51 am
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i just read this in one of my friend's away msgs... lol.
"I understand that scissors can beat paper, and I get how rock can beat scissors, but there's no freaking way paper can beat rock. Paper is supposed to magically "wrap around" rock, rendering it immobile? Why the hell can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why.. BECAUSE PAPER CAN'T BEAT ANYBODY! A rock would tear that shit up in 2 seconds. When I play rock/paper/scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper, I punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, "Oh shit, I'm sorry. I thought paper would protect you."
hahahaha!! anyhow... |
| » I found this to be very interesting... |
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The Keys to Your Heart
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You are attracted to good manners and elegance. |
In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved. |
You'd like for your lover to think you are optimistic and happy. |
You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic. |
Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. |
Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. |
You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. |
In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.. |
May. 21st, 2005 @ 04:06 am
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| » I'm an angel! |
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i stole this quiz from hol. Yay!
 | You scored as Angel. Angel: Angels are the guardians of all things, from the smallest ant to the tallest tree. They give inspiration, love, hope, and positive emotion. They live among humans without being seen. They are the good in all things, and if you feel alone, don't fear. They are always watching. Often times they merely stand by, whispering into the ears of those who feel lost. They would love nothing more then to reveal themselves, but in today's society, this would bring havoc and many unneeded questions. Give thanks to all things beautiful, for you are an Angel.
Angel | | 67% | Mermaid | | 59% | Dragon | | 50% | Faerie | | 50% | Demon | | 50% | WereWolf | | 25% | </td>
What Mythological Creature are you?
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May. 18th, 2005 @ 06:15 pm
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| » check it, bitches! |
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bah! so... work is starting to irritate me. it just really angers me how much the "higher ups" just don't fucking know. like... this chick comes back and asks us all sorts of questions and we're like "uh... we're supposed to ask you that if something goes down. not you asking us" she gave us a baffled, yet pissy look and promptly stormed off. AHHHHHH! they know nothing. we now know that we have no one to rely on!! hahahahha.. awesome. and... some crazy shit happened yesterday.. and even sillier stuff happened today whilest working. i find myself enjoying my co-workers, and i'm sad they're fucking up our shift in june. *sigh...
and, i'm sorry about the guilt cookies, zach...
so, i discussed this w/ hol earlier and yet i still feel the need to vent it here also... i haven't weighed myself in 2 weeks... yet in the past 2 weeks i've been running at least 5 days a week and i've been eating really good - no caffeine, no junk food, more fruit, and just limiting any drinking to saturday only. lol. and guess what?! i get on the scale today... and it hasn't moved. i will weigh 150 forever!!! and i'm really irrate. it just isn't fair! i've tried... so, everyone says to do atkins to melt the weight off.. but.. i'm not a meat fan. i barely eat it once a day. and i'm a big pasta, rice and bread chica. what on earth would i eat on atkins?! gah! lol.. i'm just fucked. maybe i'll just starve myself. it's the only way! i don't know what else to do!! i will never look good naked, dammit!!!
May. 13th, 2005 @ 07:25 am
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| » it really is the small things in life that count. |
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so... i had an ok day. i woke up at 4-ish.. daniel had already left for canyon lake w/ his friends several hours ago - apparently they were going tubing. i vaguely remember him waking me up w/ kisses and hugs.. anyhow. i eat some cereal... mess around, do some laundry. then i get dressed and go running. at first, i hike about a mile or so.. then.. i don't know what was unleashed in me, but i just ran. and ran.. and about 30 minutes later.. i stopped. and just thought "wtf!" lol. it was about 90* or higher outside, and the forest i was in was still damp from yesterday's rain and really humid. i was drenched in sweat. a few passer-byers just stared at me. lol. i was in a spaghetti strap pale pink top, and matching shorts - now dark pink, drenched as well. i laugh.. then walk for about 20 minutes to cool down and get in the car to go home. i just felt awesome, and so proud. i couldn't wait to share my feelings w/ daniel... i arrive home, and he beat me there. poor hun is all sunburnt but mostly nice and tan from the day's hot sun, tho he attempted to use sunscreen. lol. as sweaty and nasty as i was.. he just hugs me.. and holds me for a long time, letting me know how special i am, and how much he loves me. i love moments like this. and luckily for me, they're frequent.
no matter how i look, or feel, or weigh, daniel is always there for me, telling me i'm beautiful and i'm his for all eternity. he always sees the good, and never the bad. sometimes i really just don't know what i've done to be worthy of such love... but i'm glad for it. i don't know what i'd do, or where i'd be without my daniel. he just brings such passion and happiness to my life. as long as he's by my side, i'll never need anything else. *sigh* i guess i'm just getting all mushy... but.. it's just ... i'm taken aback sometimes, thinking about my life, and what i have. and that i have him. he's just the most important thing in my life, and i his. how can i be so deserving of such neverending happiness, of such unconditional love and beauty in my life?
and it's crazy, cuz everything just gets better everyday. i really feel that my love for him and his for me will not only be neverending... but it will always grow stronger everyday. it's just such an incredible feeling.
i guess i'm posting this.. cuz i'm listening to some jessica.. and heard the song "sweet kisses" and it made me think of daniel.. then i thought of today... and whatnot. anyhow... the beginning of the song is corny. but i love it. i feel so much when i hear moving, happy love songs... they just make me feel good. and they make stop and think of what i have, and that i'm just so thankful.
SWEET KISSES...
Couldn't look me in the eye
He apologizes
He didn't make enough to take me out tonight
I beg him not to worry
Please don't turn away
I don't need a world of riches
I just need a little time with you and
[CHORUS]
Sweet kisses
All I really need is
Sweet kisses
That's what moves me
His lips are pure emotion
He smiles because he knows
How much I love the way he makes me feel inside
He answers all my wishes
Who could ask for more
Doesn't have to say I love you
All I need he tells me with his
[CHORUS]
He heals me, he touches me down to my soul
My hearts beating out of control
I just need a little time with you
[CHORUS]
Sweet kisses baby
It's all I really need from you
Don't need your money baby
Just want you time now baby
Cause that's what moves me honey
Sweet kisses
May. 9th, 2005 @ 09:00 pm
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| » personality test! |
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as i'm staying up extremely late... i did this!
Advanced Global Personality Test Results | Extraversion | |||||||||||||||||| | 76% | | Stability | |||||||||||||||| | 63% | | Orderliness | |||||||||||| | 43% | | Empathy | |||||||||| | 36% | | Interdependence | |||||||||||| | 50% | | Intellectual | |||||||||||||||||||| | 83% | | Mystical | |||||||||||| | 43% | | Artistic | |||||||||| | 36% | | Religious | |||||||||||| | 50% | | Hedonism | |||||||||| | 36% | | Materialism | |||| | 16% | | Narcissism | |||||||||||||||| | 70% | | Adventurousness | |||||||||||||||| | 70% | | Work ethic | |||||| | 23% | | Self absorbed | |||||||||||||||| | 63% | | Conflict seeking | |||||||||||||||| | 70% | | Need to dominate | |||||||||||||||| | 70% | | | Romantic | |||||||||||||||||| | 76% | | Avoidant | || | 10% | | Anti-authority | |||||||||||||||||| | 76% | | Wealth | |||||||||||||| | 56% | | Dependency | |||||||||||| | 43% | | Change averse | |||||||||||| | 43% | | Cautiousness | |||||||||||||||| | 63% | | Individuality | |||||||||||||||| | 63% | | Sexuality | |||||||||||||||||||| | 90% | | Peter pan complex | |||||||||| | 36% | | Physical security | |||||||||||||||||||| | 90% | | Food indulgent | |||||| | 23% | | Histrionic | |||||||||| | 36% | | Paranoia | |||||| | 23% | | Vanity | |||||||||||||||||||| | 83% | | Hypersensitivity | |||||||||| | 36% | | Female cliche | |||||||||||||||||||| | 90% | |
| Take Free Advanced Global Personality Testpersonality tests by similarminds.comtrait snapshot: social, outgoing, worry free, optimistic, upbeat, tough, likes large parties, makes friends easily, rarely irritated, open, enjoys leadership, trusting, dominant, thrill seeker, strong, does not like to be alone, assertive, mind over heart, confident, controlling, feels desirable, likes the spotlight, loves food, social chameleon, hard working, concerned about others work ethic.. ha!! seeking dominance? hahahahaha.. love it!! vanity, self absorbed? hmmm female cliche? bah! and it seems i'm physically secure... interesting... and guess what! sexual!!and seemingly intellectual.. hmmm. awwww, and a romantic. i believe this test to be fairly accurate.
May. 9th, 2005 @ 04:46 am
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i love it!!!
A solemn "shalom" to you. You're Ariel Sharon!
You're the current Prime Minister of Israel, responsible for the killings of numerous Palestinians at the hands of the Israeli army and police forces, not to mention the illegal destruction of Yassir Arafat's HQ. But check this! You were also the Minister of Defence in 1982, when Israeli forces brutally massacred Palestinians in two refugee camps on the outskirts of Beirut non-stop for over thirty hours.
Regarding your current actions against the Palestinian people, you recently said: "In wartime, you don't have to expose everything to the world, to stand in public and reveal everything, in the name of that hypocritical and lie-filled concept known as honesty." In other words, you're not going to say what you're doing, and you might even lie about it.
Spoken like a true genocidal maniac.
Which Genocidal Maniac Are You?
May. 8th, 2005 @ 10:02 pm
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| » just woke up! |
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mmmyello! it's like 4pm... i think i just woke up around 3. yay!! well.. i've decided to just sleep after work (so i fall asleep around 8) then get up when i wake up, or when daniel wakes me up to say bye before he leaves for work. it sux b/c monday - thursday, i don't even get to see daniel... but .. it's something i have to do if i want to keep my sanity.
i'll update as i'm waiting for the cereal to digest... as i'm going running in an hour! yay!
la la la... so, i just got a new supervisor. and she's kick ass. too bad... she's living in a few months. so dumb! and, ... everyone is leaving soon! but, i talked to her about putting in for alaska. and she'll get word to me on that. the cool thing, is that i don't have to accpet it when they give me orders, i just want the chance. i feel stupid missing out on the chance to go to such a beautiful place. AND i don't care about plane ticket prices anymore, and i don't care about staying in the states... b/c my family will never visit me, let alone call me. so fuck that anyhow. just fuck that. so far, my mom hasn't called. i'm still annoyed - given hol told her my plan.
bah! i guess there's not much else to update. except... I STILL CAN'T WAIT TO MOVE!!!
hahhahahahaha.. and, let's make this post even longer:
HAVE YOU EVER..........
1. kissed your cousin: i don't even talk to any cousins. i don't think..
2. Ran away: no
3. Broken someones heart: yep
4. Been in love: yeah
5. Cried when some one died: i cried at a funeral. they make those tooo depressing. but i can't decide if i cried cuz the person died, or becuz death itself sux.
6. Wanted someone u no u cant have: i dunno
7. Broke a bone: no
8. Drank alcohol: yep
9. Lied: yeah
10.Cried in school: when mrs. robb made me stay after school for "stealing" something.. FUCK That.
WHICH IS BETTER..........
11. coke or pepsi: CAFFEINE IS EVIL!
12. sprite or 7-up: BLAH
13. Girls or guys: guys - tho some are just retarded. lol...
14. Flowers or candy: flowers
15. Scruff or clean-shaven: scruffy!
16. Quiet or loud: depends on what you're talking about... ;)
17. Blondes or brunettes: does it really matter?
18.Bitchy or slutty: bitchy
19.Tall or short: tall!
20.Pants or shorts: pants
WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX........
21.What do u notice first: smile - and daniel has the best!!
22.Last person u slow danced with: i agree w/ hol's answer...
23.Whats the worst question to ask: as if there's just one worst question?
THE LAST TIME.............
24.Showered: last nite before work.
25.Had sex: less than an hour ago! yay!
26.Had a great time with the opposite sex: see above.
WHAT IS (YOUR FAVORITE)
27. Your good luck charm: who actually has one? honestly!
28. Person u hate the most: barb!!! ha!
29. The best thing that has happened?: daniel happened!
30.Color: pink
31.Movie: ... i dunno?
32.Song: i have several.
33.Juice: peach-from the can. and apple.
34.Cars: mine!
35.Ice cream: chocolate peanut butter cup
37.breakfast: special k
WHAT.........
38.Makes u laugh the most: twinkie aka lil beeper! i could laugh at him all day.
39.Makes u smile: everything...
40.Can make u feel better no matter what: daniel's hugs. and twinkie's beeping!
41-44......... MIA!
DO YOU EVER.................
45. Sit by the phone waiting for someone to call all night: no. and if i did that waiting for my mom to call.. i'd be dead now!
46. Save aol convos: lol. only on special occassions.
47. Save e-mails: nope
48. Wish u were sum one else: what good would that do?
49. Wish u were a member of the opposite sex: meh. no.
BEST..............
50.Cologne: CKbe. it's daniel!
51.Perfume: armania mania.. and ja'dore.
52.Kiss: exactly 2 years ago as of yesterday.. after daniel proposed to me! yay!
53.Romantic memory: when me and daniel went to disneyland. the whole time was awesome!
54.Most recent advice given to you: "shut up" HAHAHHAHA... actually "don't be afraid to ask for help" dunno why?
HAVE YOU...............
55. Fallen for ur best friend: yeah
56. Made out with just a friend: who hasn't?
58. Been in love: yes
59. Been in lust: yes
60. Used someone: of course
61. Been used: yea..
62. Cheated on someone: yes, but apparently i was being cheated on! *erik was fun*
63. Been cheated on: lol. just answered that. FUCK YOU, BRANDON!
64. Had sex: duh.
65. Done something u regret: just one thing.
WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON..........
66. U touched: daniel
67. U talked to: daniel
68. U hugged: *sigh* daniel again. i'm not much for variety it seems. lol. if only i could hug twinkie.
69. U imed: hol
70. U yelled at: my mom - thru hol! hahahaha..
71. U kissed: daniel again!
72. U laughed with: i laugh w/ everyone everytime i talk with them!
73. Who broke ur heart: lol. it doesn't matter now, does it?
74. Who told u they loved u: daniel
DO YOU......
76. Color ur hair: hi-lites!
77. Have tatoos: 1
78. Have peircings: yes
79. Have a girlfriend/boyfriend/both: no
80. Own a webcam: no
81. Own a thong: pluralized!
82. Ever get off the damn comp: definitely.
83. sprechen sie deutsch: hahhahahahah
84. habla espanol: enough to know when those bastards are talking about me!
85. Quack: cluck?
HAVE YOU ...........
86. Stolen anything: i soooo should've stolen that mini pudgie...
87. Gotten a ticket: not yet!
ARE YOU.......
88. Schizophrenic: would i know if i was?
89. obsessive: on a few things
90. compulsive: maybe
91. obsessive compulsive: i don't think so. i'm too laid back and passive.
92. panic prone: wrinkles! calories! death! ahhhhhhhhhhh.. haahahhahaa.. no.
93. anxiety: i don't recall much of that.
94. Depressed: now and then
95. Suicidal: lol.. NEVER. why the hell would i want to die? and be serious about it?
so. that makes me think... there's this guy i work w/ and his dad committed suicide a month ago exactly. HE WON'T LET IT GO. granted, i'd be upset and all. but would you really advertise it to anyone that can hear? i mean.. c'mon!! he ALWAYS brings it up. ALWAYS. "oh.. i'd do better on my test, but given my situation" or.. "i'd sleep more... but the recent occurrence.." FUCK THAT. i was so nice at first. i genuinely wanted to help-in anyway i could. i invited him to lunch, told him to call me whenever he couldn't sleep - and even invited him to spend the day w/ me and daniel (shooting stuff up! ha!) but.. i can't take it anymore. me and keanne will be like "i just wanna die... we have 6 hours of shift left!" and he'll get depressed and say "i'd say that.. but..." we all know how that goes. i can't handle it anymore. it's soooooo annoying. i know i'm going to hell for saying that. but... such is life.
or not. blah!!!!!!!!!!! lol. time to go running. ta ta!
May. 5th, 2005 @ 04:00 pm
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| » a whole new life? i'm trying. |
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not really. but i do want a whole new me.. and if that brings in improvements in my life - weeeee!!
lol. i'm silly. so, this is another random update.
new:
there's a gnat in here. it's pissing me off. i completely blame the bananas... and i'm tempted to throw them in the blender. fucking nanners!!
anyhow. i went running today!! i was on the trails for only an hour - but i actually ran 30 minutes of that. i'm proud. i haven't run since friday, and even then i felt lazy. i've been eating lotsa fruit and healthy stuff. i've talked with a doctor (a few weeks ago, actually) and the ass claims i'm not eating enough calories, and that could be hindering my progress. he says if i'm active as i say (as if lying would get me anywhere?) i should eat 2200 calories a day. WHAT?! wow. i guess i do undereat. but i don't buy that. then he said to lose weight, subract about 400 calories a day, but no more. that's better. but he told me not to do that, because i'm at a healthy weight. i thought that seemed a tad contradicting considering he said my weight range can be 140-160lbs.. and i'm right in the middle. apparently there's room to go either way. so screw him! i'm reaching my goal w/ or w/o his help. lol... and he told me to keep a food diary. i contemplated doing it here.. but i doubt anyone wants to read that, or do you?! hahahhaha.. then i said screw it, and i'm not doing it. i'm not mental and i don't lie to myself, so i don't see that to be important. and he said that since i'm already at a healthy weight, to not expect more than a 1 pound loss a week. the lower your weight is, the harder it is to lose. how annoying. but i believe him, cuz i've been at this weight for a while, and i'm actually making effort. i'm just gonna make sure i go running everyday (maybe take one day a week off for a break) and then do some strength training stuff. i earlier got really sad that i don't have my gym membership anymore, and i was gonna buy another. but then i realized that for the money i'd be spending, i could buy my own stuff. but would i use it in my house? i hope. but i have a weight system now and i only use it once a week. hmmm.. so, i decided to sell it for a few hundred bucks to a guy daniel works w/. i figured, it's only upper body workouts anyhow, and i think i'm fine in that area. i have free weights to tone the arms and stuff anyhow. but i need stuff for the area of myself that i HATE the most -my hips and thighs. grrrrr. so, with the money i get i'll buy a stair climber. cuz those things rock!! AND i gave myself an immature peptalk saying "fuck the gym! i can do this on my own, dammit!! i WILL get hott! even if it takes me months!!!" i just gotta keep encouraging myself b/c i always lose sight of my goals too quick. just *Sigh* this better work out. wow. i ranted quite awhile on that, didn't i? hahahhaah...
so, i've decided to make a new sleep schedule. i think after i come home at around 7, i'll go running. and then, shower and putter around, then wake up daniel and start my day. or nap if i'm sleepy. and my new bedtime will be 2-9pm. sound good? i'm not so sure. it's just that i can no longer sleep after work. i always feel wired - and it's not the caffiene so i'm at a loss. hopefully this plan works. meh... it's worth a try.
other news.... hmmmm.. I CAN'T WAIT TO MOVE!! by the end of this month i shall be all moved into the new place. and it's gonna be so fun and huge! and today i just realized i have nothing to put in the 2nd bedroom. lol.. the stairclimber will go in my bedroom (it's def. big enough) and there will be no more weight system in there. also, the leather couch will go in the living room. and, the tv in that room now will go into the master bedroom. hmmm. and i'm not sure about the desk. the computer will go in the kitchen w/ the cute built in desk! lol. so the desk now will prolly just stay in the second bedroom and get lonely. so, the room will be really empty. so much for needing room.. it's just that since we have the den, there's so much room! cuz the wrap-around will go in the den, along w/ the big tv. hmmm. i'm so happy!! i think i'll go buy some tupperwares and boxes and start packing tomorrow or this weekend. yay!!
hmmm. i never got my grandma anything. i guess i'll do flowers again, becuz i personally think the holiday is so stupid. and, she likes flowers, and the woman doesn't really need anything... maybe a gift certificate? hmmm
also, i personally decided not to call home anymore. (tho, mother's day will fucke that up, but after that i'll start my plan) no one has called me since i came back from ohio (march5th!!!!). so if anyone cares, they can call me. i'm upset. except, my grandma called to say that she was pleased w/ my anniversary gift- but that was a month ago! but she never calls anyhow. i'm used to that. i'm just sad becuz my parents NEVER call. like EVER. it's so fucked up. i mean, we were real close before i left, and i always thought we'd stay like that. i'm so not going home anymore. just fuck that. why should i? honestly. WHY? exactly. there is no reason. i just liked to visit hol and i miss my dad sooooo much. and, my dad isn't much of a phone person. i understand that. but i don't even get a 5 minute call. i feel so banned and forgotten. like no one cares at all - and i'm starting to believe that. my mom sends me stuff by mail all the time (i guess that's nice) and will talk my ear off if i call, but she never actually calls me either. wtf? i'm so pissed. it's very hurtful. i wonder if they know that. i wonder how often they even think about me? grrrr. i talk to hol constantly and i always call to talk to her and we text. she's the only family member that cares. thanks hol! love ya! and ya know what else? the only family member i don't really like is the only other that cares. joey (my uncle) calls me more than anyone, and that's only once or twice a week. and it took me 3 years to see it.. but i've been harsh on him. at least he cares. maybe i won't judge him so much. maybe i need to give him a chance. he's seemingly nice, just immature. *sigh* i'm just outraged at this. and everyone has the nerve to say they care and miss me. FUCK THAT. seriously. maybe this is why i'm moody lately. i bet so. sometimes i even cry becuz i wanna go home so bad, b/c i miss hol and i miss my dad so much, and my grandparents are getting older and i miss them. but i guess i miss the past - becuz the reality is so much different. but, when i went back (each time i visit home)... we barely did anything together as a family. my dad works(lol.. i won't rant on that) or he watches tv. he didn't even offer to spend time w/ me. and declined all of my offers. i was so hurt. and i'd call daniel at nite and wonder w/ him as to what i expected when i went home, and then i'd question why i did. he'd always try to be optimistic for me. but i've spent SEVERAL hundred dollars over the years -over a thousand but i'm sure more, to go home (and bring daniel when i could) and ya know what? i'm almost upset i have.. and still i'm sad i didn't see my grandparents that often. but that might be my own fault. i spent plenty of time w/ my mom.. maybe too much. but i was still glad for it. i'm just pissed my dad does nothing but watch tv. he'd seriously rather watch tv than talk to me while i was there. or both at the same time. THIS is why i don't have cable. all i think of is how much time we wasted as a family by doing nothing becuz of the fucking television. it's seriously fucked up. what ever happened to family first? my family obviously doesn't think so, and i doubt ever will. it's been about 3 years since i left. i'm really hurt and upset at how little my family has attempted to keep in touch. and to hol - none of this applies to you, i'm sure you realize this, tho.
and what gets me, is that they still talk to barb, and not me. JUST WTF? i'm starting to cry now. i hate venting like this becuz it gets me no where. but, i'm not longer in denial. just fucking a. i'm SO pissed and hurt. i can't even describe how i feel about all this. maybe hol understands.. but i dunno if anyone can comprehend how abandoned i feel all the time from my family.
just fuck. that was a long rant. i apologize. but i could go on and on and on and on...
this was stupid too... i just want to move back to carmel or monterey. forever. but i'd take seattle. and portland. but the others? i dunno.. maybe honolulu... but never the LA or denver. *Sigh*
American Cities That Best Fit You:
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80% Honolulu |
70% Seattle |
55% Denver |
55% Los Angeles |
55% Portland |
May. 2nd, 2005 @ 06:22 pm
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| » random update. |
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just felt like updating. not sure why.
my journal is ugly.... and i'm sick of looking at it.hopefully i can come up with something different. lol. and better this time. *Sigh* i tried!!
my teeth hurt. so i believe the jaw isn't the problem. tho, i think i know the problem and i'm annoyed. it could be one of a few things. let's state the issue: i can't touch my back right teeth together, as in biting down. they hurt really bad. and when i press on them. i believe it's because my bottom teeth ever so slightly shifted when my evil wisdom teeth intruded. therefore, it seems they don't match and that's why they hurt. maybe. or, i haven't been able to brush my teeth that well the first week after getting those evil teeth ripped out, and a cavity formed. but in both teeth? i doubt it. i'm not sure. i hate dentists. but i suppose if the problem persists tomorrow, i'll force myself to go. just fucking dammit.
other jen news: ha. there isn't any. i feel moody recently. either really happy or depressed a bit. not sure what's causing it either. there's never a reason tho. so, i guess i'll ignore it. nothing should be triggering it so it's all real baffling. maybe i should get counseling and someone else can figure out the problem for me. i'm far too lazy.
still no results in the mini pudgie search. it saddens my heart that i may not find him a friend. *Sigh*
other news.... i over-ate today and i bet i wake up 5 pounds fatter. NO KIDDING.
so... here's my question of the day: do you live like you were dying? hmmm
i guess that's all i got. i just felt like updating. thought if i started writing something interesting would come to be. seems not.
oh! i pre-ordered my copy of nin's new album. w00t!
May. 2nd, 2005 @ 02:09 am
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| » (No Subject) |
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You are |
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May. 1st, 2005 @ 04:16 am
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| » i feel like slitting my wrists, to feel my warm blood flow out and all over the white carpet.... |
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not really. it was just a thought. hmmmm.
i had something good to say and that's why i came here to update. *sigh... i'm so worthless, i forgot.
tho... i dunno if i've posted on this topic before. but...
i'm the most selfish person i know. (exception may be hol.... but i'm not sure yet. we may just be level on that. oh- actually, chris may be worse. just DAMN. lol)
but i dunno. i guess i don't really feel like changing or doing anything about it. i just felt like mentioning that i'm well aware of this -no denial or real concern. i guess so many things just led up to this. something tonite, in particular, just annoyed me to the point where i felt like mentioning it... tho.. i'm sure that's not what i came here to update about. anyhow...
i don't like my job either. the ppl i work w/ are ok... but the job sucks. so dumb and so pointless. not that boring, just pointless. it's fun maybe 13% of the time. *sigh... and now i still have to do language hours (also pointless) - and my fault that i've procrastinated. AGAIN... but still. just damn. sometimes i wish i only enlisted for 4 years. but then... what the hell would i do? i couldn't afford anything on a so-so job, and i refuse to go 'educate' myself with stupid college bullshit. just fuck that anyhow. the atmosphere and the ppl would make me want to kill myself. no doubt.... but anyhow. yea, i would have nothing to do. daniel's considering enlisting.. then maybe i wouldn't reenlist. then i could do something. i don't know what. i'll hate any job i get, it's just a matter of time. but i guess one of us should stay in just for the medical and retirement and such. it's easy as hell. i guess i just like to bitch and hate being told what to do. go figure....
*sigh*
i guess i'll head back to work. er... my chair... to do... nothing... *sigh again*
Apr. 26th, 2005 @ 01:03 am
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| » yay! *clap clap* |
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haven't updated in a good long time. so, i thought i would.
news...
there's a fucking hole in my cheek. no joke. it's there. i even had daniel verify it for me. fucking a.
so, why is there a hole in my cheek? BECAUSE THE MILITARY DOCTORS SUCK. and they obviously don't give a damn about their ppl either. just *sigh*.. i got my wisdom teeth taken out monday morning.. i'm sedated thru an iv, and i wake up 3 times during the procedure. they give me more meds each time. later.. i'm in a ton of pain. they told me to take my painkillers before the numbness wore off. can't do that, ya fucks! you numbed my whole face - including my tongue and even the entire right half of my face and ear! ... anyhow. after hours of suffering i later am able to choke down a pill.
it's friday. i had my follow-up appt this morning. the doc checks in my mouth and says i'm ok. i demand more painkillers. he says the pain should subside in a week. thanks a lot. grrrr... anyhow. i ask him what went wrong w/ my bottom right tooth b/c of the 4 taken out, that's the only one that hurts like a motherfucker. he says it's just "how it goes sometimes".. wow. that's intelligent. so, i go home and take more painkillers. a few hours later, my mouth isn't as swollen but still fucking hurts. i find this bothersome. but, i'm finally able to open my mouth enough to see the damage. what do i see? what seems to be half of the stitches already coming out (all on the lower right one) and also... A HUGE HOLE IN MY CHEEK. i scream. i get a flashlight to make sure it wasn't a shadow. nope, it's a fucking hole. i have daniel look at it. he's like "wow babe, that's not good" thanks hun! it looks like someone just took a laser and just sliced my cheek. now tell me... how long is it gonna take before that gets infected? i'm ever so pissed. and the doctor didn't even mention or bat an eye that THERE'S A HOLE IN MY CHEEK. mind you, the hole is not at all near the hole(from my tooth) .. so, it's not like my tooth was growing into the cheek, and that's why the hole is there. just WHAT THE FUCK?! i'm so freaking out. i don't even want to eat. i don't want anything to get into the fucking hole. i'm not cool with this. i guess i'll call them to ask them what measures i should take about A HOLE IN MY CHEEK. *sigh.....
other news...
i'm so dumb and naive. yes.... it's true. tho... i believe hol knows it's true, lol.
i just don't get ppl sometimes. why can't i just live my life how i want? and why can't ppl believe me when i say that what i have is what i want? and that i know that i'm right? and that i'm just happy how i am? i just don't know how else to say it... but.. why me? honestly... why?
enough babbling, jen. just shut up!!
Apr. 23rd, 2005 @ 03:30 am
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| » hola y'all. |
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hi! i don't update often. but i should!! and i even thought of a super post, but then it all left me when i got hungry and decided to eat instead.. meh.
so i was sifting and found this in zach's journal... so i decided to see where i was:
 | You scored as agnosticism. You are an agnostic. Though it is generally taken that agnostics neither believe nor disbelieve in God, it is possible to be a theist or atheist in addition to an agnostic. Agnostics don't believe it is possible to prove the existence of God (nor lack thereof).
Agnosticism is a philosophy that God's existence cannot be proven. Some say it is possible to be agnostic and follow a religion; however, one cannot be a devout believer if he or she does not truly believe.
agnosticism | | 96% | Satanism | | 88% | atheism | | 67% | Paganism | | 67% | Islam | | 54% | Buddhism | | 50% | Judaism | | 46% | Christianity | | 38% | Hinduism | | 21% | </td>
Which religion is the right one for you? (new version)
created with QuizFarm.com |
i guess i just didn't expect that.. tho, it makes sense. religion is crazy. and that's just all i have to say about that. (except that's is stupid - ;) ) hahaha.
Apr. 6th, 2005 @ 08:57 pm
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| » hahahahaa.... ... *ahem* |
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so.. my doom awaits me on april 18th, 0730. It'd be best on your part to not bother talking to me for like a few days before that, or you'll have to here my excessive freaking out and whining and bitching. lol.. so heads up! (lol.. that's when i get my pointless 3rd molars out. why we haven't evolved yet.. i dunno)
today was like the worst day. ever.
not only did i get called in for work on my day off(no! i most certainly will NOT stop complaining of this)... it fucking sucked. what should have been an 0800-1200 job lasted until 1730. just FUCK. and daniel took the day off too. so that made me irrate that i had to work. and as if that wasn't bad enough, i had another wisdom tooth consultation. but weird thing.. my teeth hurt t'day. my head FUCKING HURT. it hurt to stand up and to pay attention to anything. i felt lightheaded half the day, and i felt nauseous the other half. when i went back to cpt katherine's (lol)after my consultation, i felt like i was gonna do a number of things: pass out, cry, seriously just keel over, or just curl up in the middle of the floor and either sleep or cry or both... or sit in a corner rocking back and forth. it was FREAKY. i could have gone home, but i wanted to be strong and to suck it up. i must've.. cuz i made it thru. so, around 1730-ish, i got to go home. thanks! fucking rush hour bullshit. not only did it take me an hour to get home...(normally 20-ish minute drive) i felt even worse than the previous while driving. at one point i almost fell asleep. and i think at one point i just started crying. lol... strangely enough, while somewhere on 410 i passed a cement barrier thing and just wanted to careen right into it just to end the pain. and, i was cool with the idea of it. the only reason i didn't is that my sick mind was fucking w/ me... i pictured daniel having to identify my body. it scared me, and i just reckon i don't want to put him through that, cuz i don't think that even he could be strong enough to do that ... so, i just cried and struggled to drive home while yelling at everyone possible for being a fucking moron and blamed it on everyone else for how i felt. it's always them, not me. of course.
*sigh* this whole post is rambling. i'm sorry... but. what else did you expect? i haven't updated in a while. so... yea. all that was forgotten will get crammed here. yay! just kiddin'..
so this is totally strange and maybe this all won't be (and perhaps can't be) typed out into words quite like i'd like .. but meh. fuck it. i'm attempting it. it feels good to try. but the post is for me, not for you to criticize.
so.. *sigh. i'll start somewhere.
I came home from my hellish day, downed some excedrine, then just stripped and curled up under the covers. daniel wasn't home. i didn't know why or where he was, but i was glad he wasn't home, becuz it always bothers him to see me in a state like i was, knowing he can't help me. then randomly.. at 1930-ish, i wake up and i guess he came home, but just didn't want to wake me. i wake up to him holding me, he's fallen asleep like that. something really hit me then. and i just started to cry. i don't know if i'm fucked up. but this happens a lot.. for my own benefit, i'll assume i'm normal.
anyhow. so .. i just watched him sleeping there beside me and i just couldn't get over how overwhelmed i was with everything and how i felt about everything in my life at that moment. i can't describe it. but for my own sake, i'm trying. just seeing him there made me feel so loved, and so happy.. and so damn peaceful. and at that moment my life was perfect. even tho i still felt like shit physically.. just knowing he was there, holding me... everything just seemed ok. and i couldn't really ask for anything else in this world at that moment. i was where i should be, i felt like i found my purpose in life at that second. i could die right there.. but i was in his arms, and it would be ok with me and i wouldn't even be afraid. maybe i'm just wishy-washy or maybe i took too many painkillers. but i just laid there thinking of everything we shared. i just can't believe that what i felt could be possible, and i wouldn't believe someone if they told me without experiencing it myself... but i just feel so much love for him, and i think i fall in love with him everyday all over again.. and my love grows even more each day. he's just so special, and so unique... and just so loving and caring and strong... and just so always there for me. words can't describe what i feel for him. the word 'love' just isn't powerful enough. and i just wish i could prove it to him how much i feel.. but i just can't. i can never come up with anything good enough to let him understand it. i feel like i'll never be able to let him know just how deeply and passionately i feel for him, and long for him when i can't have him. and how much time i spend thinking of him when we aren't together. i'm just always trying to find a way to be able to prove the .. strength (for lack of a better word) of my love for us - and what we have.. it's just so crazy. i'm so different and so much happier since i've been with him. my outlook on life has changed. he really just makes me wanna be a better person. i know that line's worn out. but it's true.
and i can just never spend enough time with him or get enough of him. like how sometimes we just lay in bed together for half the day.. but that's ok, becuz what else could we need? and i felt like even if we would be together for another 50 years, just as happy as we are now, it still won't be enough time to have shared with him. i still will just never get enough of this amazing passion that we feel.. like when i went back home and was away for just 2 weeks, it sucked and i missed him dearly. i missed waking up beside him. i guess just knowing he feels the same, and that when he says he'll do anything for me - he means it, satisfies me at some degree. but i know it's so mutual. i can feel his passion in his touch, and see intensity in his eyes. so i know it's not just me.
*sigh* i had a good thought going and wanted to write so much more. it's just impossible to write it out and make sense of anything. but my mind is still fried, and i have a headache still.
i disappoint myself. i think i'll go back to bed and go hug daniel.
Mar. 24th, 2005 @ 11:47 pm
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jens_haze's journal
